Showing up and binning it
This past week has me vacillating between showing up and skiving off. So much rain, so little sun, and I feel compelled to soak up every last bit of it. And, I’m tired. Or, rather, my mind is tired.
Late last night, it thundered and hailed after a day of looking like we would head to Oz at any moment. My poor Ollie lacks Toto’s bravery and trembled. I’m powerless to help him, really. I’m supposed to ignore him, but that always feels so cruel. This time I fell back to sleep by mistake, and today, he’s a bit miffed with me. Oh well.
I’ve made myself show up these last couple of days, doing tasks that I’d really rather not do, but that need doing. I don’t really feel like writing, but here I am. It’s crap, but it’s done.
On Saturday I went to a party. All day long it threatened thunder, and I was so very tired that I very nearly just sent my apologies, or, rather, pretend apologies before taking to the couch.
I forced myself out the door. My GPS took me by a deeply unfamiliar route, one that time hadn’t erased from my mind but that I may never have taken before. At one point, I twisted along a dirt road, and I feared that I’d been hacked and that it was about to be that part of the movie.
I was late, so I didn’t stop to photograph the falling-down church in the rain, it’s bell cocked a quarter way up as though it was raptured mid-ring. A new sign hung in front, as though some new parish planned to save it from destruction. I hope they leave the bell.
Eventually, I knew where I was, or remembered buildings and a specific view of a little brook that I’d always admired when going to long ago parties in that particular village. I couldn’t have found my way there from where I was, but at least I’d seen things before.
I drove past an old lover’s house just before turning onto the road to the party. I hadn’t thought of him in years, and though I was pretty sure he didn’t live there anymore, I drove a little faster.
I walked up to the party and didn’t recognize a soul. I thought perhaps I was in the wrong place, but I walked into the house anyway, and there were my friends, and, all at once, I was glad that I’d showed up.
The next day dawned bright and hot, though the forecast promised rain. I blew up the raft I’d bought and set about binning all responsibility. I floated in the sun.